I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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