im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
