before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
