Pants 0. Shit 1.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize