I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
