I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
