Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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