i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize