ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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