I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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