I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
