That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
