You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
