can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
