You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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