guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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