My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
