i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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