Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize