just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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