He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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