I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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