i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
