I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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