my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
