two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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