Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My bed smells like the plague
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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