am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
