I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I am available for nakedness
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
