I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
