You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
