i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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