I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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