I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
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