i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You're like the curious george of whores
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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