You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
