She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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