I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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