I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I will pee on everything he values.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
