Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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