hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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