totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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