a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I am midnight drunk by noon
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
