I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
