I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
This is my life. Enjoy the view
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
