Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
