I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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