no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
