is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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