a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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