i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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