Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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