i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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