My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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