Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
