I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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