The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize